Billy Bob Fan Humor

Chest Hair Fever!

 

If you're into pelts (and we ain't talking hair pieces here!), then this rating system is for you!
 
1. ONE FALSE MOVE (Ray Malcolm) A TEN! The definitive pelt movie. One shirtless scene, several tank top scenes, a couple shirt unbuttoned scenes. A must for fans of BBT fur.

2. TROUBLE BOUND (Coldface) A big ole ZERO. He's not on long enough to get cranked up at all.

3. SLING BLADE (Karl Childers) We can't rate Karl with a zero cuz we love him too much. We'll just give him some of Ray's points.

4. TOMBSTONE (Johnny Tyler) A big ole ZERO! He' has the layered look in this movie, not a chance for a sighting.

5. FLOUNDERING (Gun Clerk) Even though he's not on very long, he looks darn good in this movie; think Ray's twin brother but a little less surly. He's not as generous as Ray is with the peltage so he'll have to get a FIVE.

6. DEAD MAN (Big George Drakoulious) ZERO! George is even more layered than Johnny Tyler.

7. THE WINNER (Jack) If I recall correctly, Jack always wore a shirt buttoned to the chin. ZERO!

8. THE APOSTLE (Troublemaker) no peltage. ZERO!

9. A GUN, A CAR, AND A BLONDE (Syd Bundy) You see some fur but Syd is so darn disgusting that a lot of those points get canceled out. I give him a THREE.

10. PRIMARY COLORS (Richard Jemmons) The Snake Man! A couple of shots of the famous chest hair peering out over the top of various sport logo shirts, plus one unzipped scene. SIX honorary points for the snake scene.

11. HOMEGROWN (Jack Marsden) Jack has one scene where he's galloping around in his boxers and boots. Lots of furage. He also has a dropped trou scene. A lot of the time Jack is layered but there are some good hairy scenes. An EIGHT!

12. ARMAGEDDON (Dan Truman) Big Dan has to be serious in this movie so there's little time for shag. There are a couple of scenes where I did spy some fur. A FIVE!

13. A SIMPLE PLAN (Jacob Mitchell) Now Jacob goes for the layered look, too, but there are some scenes where he's down to one thermal underwear shirt and a thick thatch of pelt seems to just cascade out from the collar whispering "Sage! Sage!" I give Jacob a NINE for being such a tease.

14. PUSHING TIN (Russell Bell) OMIGAWD!! Don't even get me started again on Russell. That one scene where he's studying French and he is fully unbuttoned with his shades on, OH MY! Also, there are lots of Jacob moments where his furage fights to be seen over the collar of his shirts. I give Russell a TEN!

15. DADDY AND THEM (Claude Montgomery): From the publicity stills I've seen in magazines, BBT's character is going to have lots of free ranging chest hair scenes, yeee haw! I have to give it a TEN based on the stills I've seen.

16. DON'T LOOK BACK (Marshall) I don't recall any Marshall chest hair, but I did like the scene where he says "Somebody light a joint, I got a f*cking headache."

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