Billy Bob Fan Humor

Geraldo: (whispering) Ladies and Gentlemen, you are witnessing a monumental moment in television history...you're actually seeing the preparations of the infamous "Billy Bob ThornChasers" as they ready themselves to pursue the latest BBT sightings. You may recall that these dedicated pseudoscientists were the subject of a recent blockbuster movie entitled "Mister", starring Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt. This movie provided a fictionalized account of a particularily harrowing Billy Bob Thornton encounter, one that the movie's real life counterparts have thus far only dreamed of. Could today be the day this team succeeds? Stay tuned and find out as we focus today's Geraldo on "The Billy Bob Thornchasers".

CUT TO COMMERCIAL
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END COMMERCIAL

Geraldo: We have here Sage Giordano, the commander of this particular crew (CAMERA ANGLE is over Sage's shoulder. She is staring intently at a radar screen) Sage, can you tell us how close you are to an actual encounter with hisfineself?

Sage: Well, Geraldo, the radar indicates that we're very close, perhaps the closest we've been in some time. I am very, very encouraged by this. (calls aside) Carl! How does your radar look over there? I'm wondering if we're getting the same read...

Geraldo: Why would the reads be different?

Sage: Carl's radar is more sensitive than this one. This one sometimes gets clouded by Gillian Anderson's aura and it's been more than once that we've cornered her when we thought we had Billy Bob. Not that that's a bad thing, you see, but it isn't our goal. We want Billy Bob.

Carl: (voice off) Sage, I'm getting a very strong reading over here. This could be it. This could be the real thing.

Sage: Alert the crew! (she swings around to her computer and starts typing furiously)

Geraldo: (tensely) It looks like they're trying to pinpoint exactly where this reading is coming from...ladies and gentlemen, this could be big...this could be an unprecedented moment in history...this could be the distraction the nation needs in the aftermath of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. A return to family values, stabilization of fuel prices, peace in the middle east...nothing can be discounted.

Sage: (barks into a walkie talkie) Someone get the ListMama on the line and let her know we've got a reading on ground zero! (stands and announces to the crew) All right people, we've rehearsed this moment a million times! Everyone to their stations, MOVE MOVE MOVE!

(There is a mad rush towards the pursuit vehicles. Geraldo and his cameraman get into the first truck with Sage and her spotter. Sage is driving and the spotter clutches her binoculars in a white knuckled grip)

Geraldo: Sage, where are we going?

Sage: To the epicenter, Geraldo. The eye of the storm, if you will. I don't know that we've ever been this close. (looks poignantly at the camera) This is what my life is about. This is what I have been training for all these years. This could be the encounter. We could find out what he smells like and just exactly how big his feet really are...(she trails off, her voice breaking) I'm sorry, I can't...I can't say anymore. This is a very emotional moment for me...

(Her spotter pats Sage's shoulder reassuringly, and Sage bravely waves her off and cranks the engine. The truck lurches forward and they disappear in a cloud of dust)

INTERIOR SHOT: TRUCK

Sage and her spotter are scanning the cornfield with high powered binoculars. In a grid pattern, the rest of the crew are seen in the distance, also scanning the cornfield. The camera pans the tense, serious faces of the Billy Bob Thornchasers--Geraldo looks on)

Geraldo: (in a low voice) It's been 3 hours now and so far there hasn't been an appearance by the elusive Billy Bob. The crew is exhausted and yet they press on, fighting fatigue to keep watch.

(Sage's radio crackles and Carl's voice sounds)

Carl: Sage! We've got a strong positive reading at 2:00 northeast!

Sage: Roger that, Carl! Sector 3, move in at my command! Sector 1 and 2, form a perimeter! Let's move it out, people!! Sector 3, proceed!

(Sage and her spotter run through the cornfield. Geraldo and his cameraman run after them...the camera is presenting a jerky view of the cornfield and we hear the sound of hard breathing and excited whooping. They stop running and the cameraman steadies the camera. The entire crew of the Thornchasers surround Gillian Anderson, who looks back at them with a mighty eyeball roll)

Gillian Anderson: Oh brother. Not you people again.

Sage: Damn!

Gillian Anderson: Mulder! Mulder!

Mulder: (voice off) Scully?

Gillian Anderson: Mulder, it's those people again!

Mulder: The Thornchasers?

Gillian Anderson: Yes!

(Disapointed, Sage waves her crew in and heads back towards the truck. We can hear some of the crewmembers crying in the background. Geraldo walks beside Sage)

Geraldo: Another false hit.

Sage: Yeah. (sighs) Yeah, it was another false hit but rather than be disappointed, this only strengthens my resolve to actually one day SEE Billy Bob. You know? (stops walking and looks at Geraldo seriously, intensely) I'm not asking to MEET him. I'm not asking to HANG OUT with him. I just want to SEE him. That's all. And I'm not giving up... A wise man once said "Age quid agis."

Geraldo: (dramatically) And tell us, Sage, what that saying means.

Sage: (after a long pause) I'm not sure. Something in Latin.

(She walks away with her crew and they comfort each other. Geraldo is left alone, looking into the camera)

Geraldo: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. An inspiration to us all. Sage Giordano, Billy Bob Thornchaser.

Geraldo walks after the dejected crew, his head hanging in empathetic sadness.

ANNOUNCER VOICE OVER CLOSING THEME MUSIC:

Announcer: On next week's Geraldo Live meet the cast of the hit musical Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town! Check your local listings.

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