Billy Bob Fan Humor

EXT shot: FRONT OF WAL-MART

A raked tricked out black '65 Mustang fastback 2+2 roars into the parking lot and screeches to a stop. It straddles as many parking spaces as possible, thus creating its own personal island to buffer itself against the evil door dings.

The driver's door is flung open and SAGE steps out. Her fineline black and grey tattoos are resplendant in the early morning sun, especially the recently added tiger Jacob. The passenger door opens and RAY steps out, wearing his customary scowl and pastel colored pleated pants. RAY sports a 3 day growth of beard (just the way Sage likes it); underneath a loose fitting off white sport coat he wears a black tank top over which much peltage spills (ditto about Sage liking it).

The two walk toward the Wal-Mart. RAY'S scowl becomes a sneer.

RAY: I f*cking hate f*cking Wal-Mart in the g*ddamn morning.

SAGE: Hang in there baby, we're just going in for a minute. You'll be ok.

RAY: Sheyut.

They enter the Wal-Mart. A sour faced Wal-Mart greeter honks a huge lugee into her filthy handkerchief and attempts an insincere smile.

GREETER: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart.

RAY: (glares at her) F*ck you, motherf*cker.

The GREETER'S mouth drops open with surprise at her rudeness being met and exceeded by RAY'S rudeness. SAGE takes RAY firmly by the arm and steers him towards the electronics department.

SAGE: Ray, please. She's just an old lady, probably made bitter by her unfortunate life experiences which she brought upon herself with her anti-social tendencies not to mention that rather foul sinus problem.

RAY: Well I don't give a sh*t, I'll slap her g*damn head off.

SAGE & RAY enter the electronics department. SAGE becomes aware that a store detective is following them. Since she's used to this, she ignores the store dick and heads to the CD section to check out the latest John Prine album. RAY sullenly peruses the CDs and stops at a misplaced Brittany Spears CD.

RAY: What the f*ck!

SAGE: What?

RAY: Who put this white trash piece of s*it in the "P" section!? Her g*ddamn name starts with a g*ddamn "S", see? Any motherf*cker with a g*damn brain can see that "S" don't belong in the f*cking "P" section, sheyut. Where's the f*cking manager?

SAGE: Chill, Ray, it's no big deal.

(RAY spots the store detective and fixes him with a death stare)

RAY: What the f*ck do you think you're staring at motherf*cker? You got a problem?

STORE DICK: (flustered) Uh, who, me?

RAY: (walks towards him) Yeah, *you* motherf*cker. (RAY opens his sport coat to reveal the butt of a Glock 40 tucked into his waistband. The STORE DICK's face goes pale)

STORE DICK: Uh, I was just leaving. (He hurries away. RAY watches him exit with a nasty smirk on his face)

SAGE: Thanks for not killing him, Ray.

RAY: (wounded) What? What the hell do you think I am?

SAGE exits the Electronics department with John Prine's latest and RAY trails her. At the front of the store they stop and scan the 21 vacant cash registers. The 22nd register is the only one open and it has a line about 50 yards long. SAGE and RAY fall into line. Soon RAY begins to fidget.

RAY: (calls out) Can't we get this bastard moving just a little f*cking faster? Sheyut! G*damn motherf*cking Wal-Mart piece of sheyut! (to the person in front of him) What the f*ck are you looking at motherf*cker!? (the person quickly turns around) I'll kill all you motherf*ckers, this g*ddamn line better get moving a little f*cking faster before I get pissed off! They got 50 g*ddamn registers and only one motherf*cking bastard open, what the f*ck is that all about? Sheyut! (a burly security guard walks up with a very nervous looking manager in tow)

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, I'll have to ask you to keep your voice down. Your profanity is harming the children nearby.

RAY: WHAT?? Hey, I don't give a good g*ddamn about no f*cking kids, all I want to do is get the f*ck out of this motherf*cking sh*thole of Dante's hell and go home and watch the game, 'aight?

MANAGER: S-s-sir, we here at the Wal-mart superstore pride ourselves on being a family oriented business and your behavior--

RAY: What the hell are you talking about you sorry ass b*tch? What the f*ck is this? Who the f*ck are you? Huh?

SAGE: Ray...

RAY takes a can of lighter fluid from a shopper's cart and grabs the manager around the neck. He pours the lighter fluid all over the manager's head, shoulders, and arms. The manager is screaming--the SECURITY GUARD backs off warily. RAY pulls out his zippo lighter and holds it up next to the manager's face.

RAY: I'm gonna f*ck him up motherf*cker! If you don't open another g*ddamn line I swear I'm gonna barbecue this pasty faced son of a b*tch right here on the floor!

SAGE: Ray!
(Everyone starts screaming. Ray cuts loose with a string of profanity that completely paralyzes everyone. The manager is screaming at his assistant manager who hovers nearby with a 3 pronged BBQ fork)

MANAGER: Open another register! Open another register!

ASSIST. MANAGER: But it's not on the schedule...

MANAGER: I don't care! Open another register now!

ASSIST. MANAGER scurries to register 20 and turns on the light. He waves SAGE and RAY over. RAY shoves the MANAGER to the floor and kicks him in the chin before stepping over him and following SAGE.

RAY: (mildly) Where's some damn gum?

SECURITY GUARD quickly hands RAY a pack of Juicy Fruit and backs off.

SECURITY GUARD: It's on the house, man.

RAY: Oh. Thanks.

SAGE pays for the Prine CD.

SAGE: C'mon Ray, let's go home.

RAY: OK.

They walk towards the door. In the background we can see the manager on the floor in a crying heap, the SECURITY GUARD trembling in his shoes, the STORE DICK hiding behind a Back to School display, and the other shoppers breathing a collective sigh of relief. RAY looks at the CD in Sage's hand.

RAY: Oh, look, it has a song by that g*ddamn country singer chick, I like her.

SAGE: Yeah, me too. Gee, we checked out awfully fast, didn't we?

RAY: Yeah, thank God. I hate this place.

(They exit the Wal-Mart)

CUT

NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE--"Sage Takes Ray to a School Board Meeting"

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The Adventures of Sage 'n' Ray